Nevertheless, we now have a schedule that all the kids like, and Mrs.Brady has no problem with. We will be alternating between Wed, Thur, Fri, and Thu, Fri, Sat, every other week.
To be honest, I’m glad that they are only here 3 nights a week. Harsh. I know. But I think it’s a good start; for all of us. I’m not a huge fan of shuffling the kids around every other day and I think alternating weeks would be hard on Mr.Brady (I’m not sure he could go 5 days without seeing his kids). And on a more selfish note, I think this gives me a better chance to adjust. That is, adjust to living in a house with 4 other people.
God help me.
There are times when I retreat into the back room – and it’s not because I’m trying to be rude, it’s basically because I can’t handle the “too many cooks in the kitchen” feeling. Especially with a 5 year old who doesn’t listen.
:: sigh :: Can we talk about that for a minute?
Example, I was in the kitchen making dinner and she was walking around all over the place (see diagram). I asked her three times to stop. Finally I said, “Jan, how many times have I asked you to stop running around in the kitchen?", "3 times." "So, why are you ignoring me?”You know what she did? Giggled.
I took a deep breath and thought to myself, “there is no way she is playing the cute card on me”. I explained to her why it was dangerous – she listened – nodded – and walked out of the room.
:: Exhale ::
Example two, last Friday we all went out for pizza. By the time we had finished, the kids still had full drinks. They piled into the car, all holding their cups. Jan asked if I could put it in the cup holder upfront. Sure. Why not.
10 minutes later.
We park the car and get out. Mr.Brady is unloading some stuff from the back of the car, while I open the front door. Jan comes running up behind me. The conversation goes a little like this:
“Jan, did you grab your cup from the car?”
“No.”
“Ah. I see…well can you go grab it from the front and bring it inside?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Why should I have to do it?”
I nearly choke.
“Because it is your cup. Your drink. Your responsibility. Now go get your cup.”
She pouts, turns around and walks slowly back to the car.
These are only two examples out of a hundred. Call me crazy, internet. Because I may just have been born yesterday, but do all kids act like this? Is it normal for them to be testing the waters so much? Is it because I’m not her bio-parent?
I’m not completely naïve. I didn’t honestly think this would be easy. I wasn’t fantasizing about living in a home with my boyfriend and his three charming, angelic kids. I knew there would be challenges, and I definitely knew there would be a lot of learning. But what’s with all the back talk? And I'm not the only one she does it to.
We don’t believe in spanking, or yelling. But how do I get it across to her that she’s driving me insane!? I've tried the art of explanation. I've tried to explain to her that her actions will affect her relationship with the people around her. Meaning, if she’s cheeky and rude, people won’t want to play with her.
Does that seem weird? Does it work?
Each day I learn something new, and I suppose that’s the point of this blog. To keep a record of what this journey is all about. Until then…I cherish the quiet and peaceful days. Like this one below…taken last Sunday, while canoeing with Mr.Brady on Lake Washington.
7 comments:
Buckle your seatbelt, you are in for a very rough ride of "no" "i don't want to" "you do it for me" and many many more. And no, it isn't because you are not the bio parent, my son does this too. It is the age stage game. I still get it from time to time with the 8 year old, but he has grown out of it for the most part. I entered when the middle child was in this phase, by the time I got her out, the youngest entered it. He goes back and forth on it, depending on his mood of the day, so I deal with him doing this now and then, along with my 4 year old just entering this phase.
The testing of the waters will happen no matter the age. My 12 year old constantly tests the waters because he is at the new stage in the game, the tween stage.. Oh the fun.
Oh, and on the kitchen example.... I kicked my 4 year old out of the kitchen 6 times one morning. I leave and head to the potty. I come back and he has a cut thumb, from when he pulled the step-stool up to the counter and got a steak knife and proceeded to "cut" an apple...It was bleeding pretty good, has a good size cut still.... It will happen, in every form. My counters aren't deep enough to just move the knifes out of reach. All my drawers are at his height, and my cubbords are filled with food because of no pantry, so sadly, my knives stay in his eye sight.. But the good news, he leaves them alone now!
It's hard when they test you like that. You said you don't believe in yelling or spanking, but what about time-out? specify a bench/chair/mat that is the naughty bench/chair/mat and she gets 3 strikes. 1st time you ask her to leave the kitchen. "Will you please leave the kitchen because I'm cooking and it's not safe for you to be in here." 2nd time, "I have asked you nicely once. If you don't leave the kitchen now there will be consequences." 3rd time you say nothing, pick her up, and set her in the naughty chair and set the timer for 1 minute for however old she is. (5 years=5 minutes of time out) Don't feed it any ANY attention. If she gets up, silently (noooo talking!) pick her up or lead her back. Don't start the timer until she sees you are not giving in and sits there. Give it one to two weeks of consistant (KEY!) behavior tailoring, and the first time you ask her to do anything will be the last time. :) Hopefully that works for you!!!
-K
I don't think it's because your not her bio mom. I definitely think its the age. We have the same issues with K. He is 6 going on 20 and thinks he knows every little thing and is quick to pointt out that he thinks HTB and I don't know much more than him. It's frustrating and like Chelly said, will probably only get better as they get older. I totally understand how you feel about only having them a certain amount of days per week and allowing everyone to adjust slowly. It's not fair to the kids or you or Mr. Brady to just have to jump right in to it. And now that school has started her attitude may get better. Seems to be the case with K anyway-the more structure he has during the day, the more well behaved he is at night. I also think the time out thing is a good tool to use or even punishing her from certain things. It has to be done as soon as the bad behavior occurs, though, or else it won't really do any good b/c at that age she's liable to forget why she's being punished in the first place.
On another note, I really feel like you and I have some of the same issues with Jan and K. From the things you have posted, they seem to behave in the same way and it's tough when they're not yours but your still expected to be fair and discipline at the same time. I hope it gets better!
I agree. I don't think it's necessarily about you not being the bio-mom. I think it's a stage thing, too.
And I love TripleKTrouble's explanation of the naughty chair. I'm thinking someone besides me watches Supernanny! :)
I also heard a great illustration from our therapist (our savior, I must say). She says we should divide things into three laundry baskets. The first is things like safety issues, which get immediate attention and consequences. The second is things like house rules, which get consequences, but not necessarily immediate attention. The third is things we can just let go, like the kiddo refusing to put on a coat when it's cold outside. Eventually they'll do it, but right now it's just a power struggle. That has worked really well for us.
Once I got over the need to win the power struggle (which is serious for me because I like to win EVERYthing and it's MY house, darnit), things got better pretty swiftly.
Go with the naughty chair, I say. Post those house rules, and get on the same page with Mr. Brady. You'll get there eventually. It does take time, but it comes together.
Love that Supernanny but I'm wondering if I've ever seen her discipline within a blended family. One wonders how affective "the naughty" chair is if only in one Brady household. Jan runny wild in your kitchen looking for attention; would it help to offer her a small task preparing the family meal? work alongside you? It might slow you down, but that's what kids do, skid marks throughout the house. Alice, I think you are really trying your best with the B bunch, and Mr. Brady must be very appreciative.
oooh yes. Not only do I watch it, I AM one! I am a nanny for 3 families and this works just fantastically! I use it with the families I watch, and in my house.
and Anon, that is also a good idea, getting the kids involved can work wonders as well. But it seems Alice's issue is not just wanting attention, it's an outright will power test. A good balance of time-out and firmness arm in arm with including her like you said would probably do miricle work on Jan.
(Did you ever think it's because you named her Jan in your blog? lol Poor Poor Jan...haha Just kidding!!)
hehe - yes I've often joked to myself about that too!
And the, "marcia marcia MARCIA!"
Thank you for all of your comments and suggestions. It's worth millions - I truly appreciate it!
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