We (Mr.Brady and I) were off to a good start. Sure, sometimes caring for the little one is like setting my hair is on fire and trying to put it out with a hammer, but in the grand scheme of things, that’s pretty trivial. I can tell that Mr.Brady has been harboring some guilt – he feels guilty about the divorce, he feels guilty about how sad it makes the kids, he feels guilty that he doesn’t get to see them everyday – but he understand that these feelings are a normal reaction to everything that is going on. It. Will. Get. Better.
Everyday his life is changing. There really is no room for routine – everybody is still settling into this new life. We’ve passed the point of dipping in our toes, but we’re still cradling our arms, cringing as the cold water creeps up our bellies.
Out of everyone, Mr.Brady seems to be handling it the best. Sure, there are things he could be doing better, but he never gets mad, frustrated or angry. That is until….last night.
First, let me introduce this story with a little background about myself. I am from Canada. Contrary to popular belief, I was not raised in an igloo, I don’t eat blubber and I don’t own a dog-sled. I do however love hockey. I understand hockey. I get it. I completely understand why hockey mom & dad’s get up at the butt crack of dawn to drag their kids to early morning practice. There is no shortage of hockey fans in Canada. What we do have a lack of is football fans. Yep. That’s right. Football doesn’t hold a candle to hockey in Canada. In fact, the majority of Canadians (that I know) could care less about the NFL.
I moved here with the understanding that Mr.Brady spends every Saturday afternoon (from September – November), at the high school stadium, watching his 12 year old son play football. It is, without a doubt, a highlight for him. He LOVES watching Greg play. I was quickly intiated into this Saturday tradition. At first I had NO idea what I was watching - after all, I had never been to a football game. Mr.Brady was excited to teach me the game, he'd enthusiastically wave his hand around, pointing to the field, using Greg as an example whenever he could. He once pulled out a pen and began drawing on his pretzel napkin. I looked down and replied, “But what does building a nuclear reactor have to do with football?”
He rolled his eyes.
“Now, the guys at the back of the offensive formation are called backs. So far, so good. Now, the guys in front of the backs (at the front of the formation) are not called fronts or front men. They are linemen, although one of them (the center) is in front of the rest of them, which means they are not really in a line. The most important back is the quarterback. This would imply that he is one of four backs. But there only three, which should make him a thirderback. He often hands the ball to the half back (2/4) who is actually the 2nd of three backs, and should be the twothirdsback. Somehow in all this, logic reasserts itself and the third of three backs (3/3) is a "full" back. Ironically, he is not even 1/3 as important as the quarterback.”
:: blink blink ::
“Now, there are six linemen. The linemen block for the backs. So, they are called blockers, right? No, two of them are called tackles. The rules of the game do not permit the tackles to tackle. If a tackle were to tackle his team would be penalized. Two are guards, although all five linemen guard the quarterback. The center has three players to the left of him and four to the right. This means he is not, in fact, the center but the "slightly left of center".
:: yawn ::
“Having a center implies there are two ends, one on the left and one on the right. But there aren't. There is an end on one end and no end on the other, because there is a flanker there. One is split and one is tight. How he got tight is anyone's guess, since he is actually the last lineman on the right, which ought to make him the right tackle. That is if tackles could tackle, and he can't because he's offensive. Well, not personally, but in a general sense."
You catch my drift, right? My point is…Mr.Brady loves football. Greg seemed pretty excited to play this summer, but his attitude quickly changed after the first practice. He came home saying things like, “The coaches are mean. I can't breath when I run. Why do they make us run so much?”
Mr.Brady would respond with, “You’re just out of shape, keep going to practice and it will get easier”.
This went on for a few weeks - each Monday beginning with Greg’s dread. The coaches approached us and suggested we have him checked out for sport induced asthma. We were skeptical of this theory because Greg has no problem running in basketball, but we took him to the doctor anyway. He was diagnosed with a sinus infection. Doctor prescribed him an inhaler. I am still skeptical.
Anyhow. 2 days ago (Monday) Mr.Brady gets a call at work from Greg. He’s crying and does not want to go to practice. Mrs.Brady gets on the phone and says, “He’s only doing this because you want him to. If he wants to quit, you should let him!”
A few hours later, Mr.Brady picks up Greg from his moms with then intention of taking him to practice – no go. Greg won’t get geared up and he refuses to play.
I have never seen Mr.Brady so upset. He barely says a word all night. Later that night, he asks for my opinion. I take a deep breath and say, “It’s only been 3 weeks of training, he hasn’t even had his first game yet. He’s already made a commitment to this season; if he didn’t want to play he should have expressed that before we signed him up. I would make a compromise, and start with a big one: complete this season, and if he still hates it, he doesn’t have to go back next year. But can quitting be an option? I don’t think we should be sending him the message that when something gets touch, it's OK to quit?”
Mr. Brady nods and says, “Yep. I agree".
The smaller compromise would be to have him attend this week's practice schedule, play one game on Saturday and then decide after that.
It’s a dilemma, internet. We don’t exactly want to force him to play, but is quitting an option?
7 comments:
It would be an easy question to answer if you were Mrs. Brady and no one had said the "D" word. But, since that's not the case, the answer is immeasurably harder. I agree with you, in principle. I think teaching kids to bail on their commitments stinks big time. I think having him finish the season would be a character builder.
Unfortunately, Mrs. Brady thinks no such thing and therein lies the problem. The real question is no longer "should he finish the season" or "are you teaching him to be a quitter if you let him quit." The real question is "Who has decision making for Greg?" or "How many teeth will get pulled in the argument between Mr. and Mrs. Brady (if they have joint decision-making) over whether Greg finishes the season or not?"
Ugly truth, but truth nonetheless. The "D" word makes everything harder than it should be.
Thanks, Stephanie :)
I'm a little confused though - what is the "d" word?
I think that is good sound advice. He signed up...he should stick with it. Quitting, I agree, is not a good pattern to get into. He should be accountable for his decisions.
I do think the kid needs to hear it come from his dad and you remain on the sidelines on this one...the quiet referee.
IR
The "D" word is "Divorce". If there were no divorce in the kids' lives, then the question would be simpler to answer.
I agree that he shouldn't just quit, but maybe there is something underlying the sudden, new hatred of the game. Maybe he needs to figure out why it suddenly sucks so much so you guys can help him overcome that problem. Is it just the difficulty breathing (which should clear up with the sinus infection, leaving everything dandy) or is it something more? Does he feel inadaquate in some way? Embarrassed about something? A friend issue?
Seems like you have to find the root of the problem (and the tears) to get it sorted out.
Good luck!
I dunno. As an uninformed third party, I think you should potentially cut the kid some slack. It seems to me that missing a lesson in responsibility and finishing what you commit to might be okay to miss if it comes along with a little trauma and resentment.
I guess since you don't know exactly what's going on in his head and since you don't know what's going on when he's at Mrs. Brady's house you can't really know exactly what it's all about either.
I suppose my point in playing devil's advocate is that you don't want him to get caught in the crossfire of some kind of politics between Mr. and Mrs. Brady... (And there'll be plenty more where that came from.)
Hmm. I have a ton of thoughts on this, but my writing brain is really scattered right now, so I'll just pose a few questions that might be good to reflect on:
(1) Why do you think Greg is so adverse to continuing the season? What can you do to really come to the root of his issues that seem to be causing him so much angst?
The pre-teen years are often full of self-esteem issues (which in turn often cause feelings of loneliness). I would be curious to see if perhaps at the root of his desire to quit football, there is something in the activity/team/etc that negatively affects his self -image. This might be a much more important battle to fight than whether or not he shows up to football games.
(2) What is it that you hope Greg will learn with your lesson about "commitment"? At the end of the season, or later in life, when Greg reflects on this experience - and your role in his life - what is it your best guess says that he internalizes from the experience? (Not what you want him to get out of it, but how you really think he will perceive it).
Remember that despite the intention of your actions, Greg will internalize the experience in his own way.
In my past experiences as a youth worker, it seemed that this was the age where parents often alienated their kids by continuing to control their actions rather than working with them to make meaningful choices.
The only thoughts/advice I can really share are that you should really make sure you ask him how he feels, why he feels that way, and help him to find a successful compromise to the situation. At his age, he needs to participate in successful decision making, and not just be a resentful passenger through the decisions his parents think are best for him.
More than anything, Greg probably needs less of the "tough parent" (that works so well for the earlier years), and more of the "understanding parent" who wants to work with him to help him succeed in life.
BTW, when I say "you", this might even apply more to Mr. Brady, depending on how much you want to get involved in this, and how capable Mr. B is at being a listener and life coach...
(if you ever wanna chat more, you know how to reach me...)
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