I'd like to know how my fellow step-moms feel about their in-laws and the relationship they have with the ex-wife.
I encourage healthy relationships in general, and I think it's great when everyone can get along. But I can't help but feel a little left out at times. :: sigh :: Sounds childish, huh? But I need to confront this issue...Whether his family means to or not, I feel like an outcast.
Let me make one thing clear, I know that is MY issue. It's probably all in my head, but that doesn't lessen the fact that it's still something I struggle with.
Examples?
BM sends Mr.Brady emails that say things like...
"I've seen your family a lot latetly, and they feel like you are (fill in the blank)"
"Your sister and 2 nieces are moving in with me..."
Ok. I get it. Just because he got divorced, doesn't mean the rest of the family has to disown her. After all, she is still the mother of his children. I suppose I'm finding it difficult to "warm up" to them, when I know that she is still so close with all of them. Yes. Yes. I know that this doesn't mean that they can't be close to both of us. But it's difficult for me to put down my guard, to open up, to not watch what I say around his sisters. I wan't to say, "HEY! I'm cool too! I know you've known BM for 17 years, but I'm pretty sure I can be fun to get to know too!"
The only comfort I can offer myself is time. I know, that with time, everything will settle into place. I won't feel like such an outcast. But until then...I'm left to wonder...is there room in the family for the second wife?
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8 comments:
It can feel completely awkward. I think the trick is to be the most grown-up person in the bunch.
My inlaws live in Oregon and don't visit all that often but when they do, my mother in law will chat it up with the ex. She'll even invite her in to our house.
This may drive some women mad but the way I see it, if everyone's cordial and getting along then why raise a fuss?
I am fortunate that my husband's family dislikes his ex as much as we do. She was a total b* to him, so I don't have much concern over that.
I would have to agree that time is the only thing you can go with here. I am sure they will warm up, eventually.
I am very thankful that my in-laws always disliked her. They disliked her when they dated, when the kids arrived, everything, but they put up with her for their son/grandkids.
When I came, they didn't exactly open their arms and praise my coming. They were actually very skeptical of me. I am 5 years younger, married a man with three kids at the age of 20. It was hard work to work past the young and childish image.
::hugs::
The way I see it, you're not the second wife -- you're the wife. You're not "just" the stepmom -- you're the stepmom. She's the kids' mom. It's great that your husbands family still loves her and keeps in touch with her. But of course there's room for you, too! I see this kind of thing like the addition of a sibling. There's always enough love to go around for another sibling in the family. It just takes time to get to know each other. And his family might be nervous about how you feel about the kids' mom and how she feels about you. Even though you're all grownups, they might need reassurance that you are glad they're friendly with the kids' mom and that you accept them. Even though it seems like they should be the ones reassuring you, things might work better if you reassured them.
(Of course, here I'm being an uncredentialed popular psychologist, so please ignore anything in this post that doesn't sound right. You're the best judge of what's right for your situation.)
I don't have much to offer as my in-laws don't and never have liked the ex because she's so hateful. It'll probably just take time, I suppose. I hope that it works out though. =)
my mil, despite the fact that the biomom caused major emotional damage to the kids and my hubby, was blowing her kisses as she was leaving my nephews birthday party, 2 weekends ago. i will never get over that. the whole family treated me like an unwanted guest...me...i've been raising these kids for the last 6 years. and everyone still talks to her and shows her affection. what was she doing there...she was dropping off my step kids, who we were meeting there. and...she wouldn't leave! i almost left though but then...decided to stand my ground. listen, as far as i'm concerned...that family deserves her...only, my hubby and his kids don't.
it's amazing to read about other step moms who are going through so much of what i go through. it is so reassuring to know that i'm not alone...even though i wish no one else should have to go through this!
I think it will work itself out in time. It took my in-laws quite awhile to warm up, but not because they liked the ex. Thankfully, just about everyone in the family sees that she's a crazy loon. As for me, they're just not immediately warm. I had to work at building a relationship with them.
I agree that the ex is still the mother of his children, but I never understood the need for family members to hang onto an ex. Surely they know how awkward it makes things for everyone else. Wouldn't you come down on the side of your kin just because they're your kin?
Hang in there. It will improve with time, I'm sure. They'll see how fantastically wonderful you are and things with the ex will cool. I think it's a natural progression.
Direct quote from C's mom: "C was just too stupid to realize how emotionally disturbed and mentally incompetent she was when he married her." They are cordial with her for the sake of the kids, but they sure don't go out of their way to be nice. It took them a bit to warm up to me, but now that they have, it's a great relationship. :)
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