Let me first put a huge disclaimer on this blog entry.
I don’t feel like editing today.
Today I am purely spouting verbal diarrhea.
Amd with that, I shall begin. Mr.Brady and I spent Saturday afternoon at the pool with the kids - it was, for lack of a better word, an interesting two hours.
It started off well. We collected the kids’ towel and bathing suits, put two coats of sunblock on them, searched high and low for ALL the pool toys and then (finally) proceeded to walk the 20 feet to the complex pool.
First Hour.
It was all smiles, giggles and laughs – everyone was having a grand ol’ time, and then Marcia (age 11) asks me, “Alice, do you think you’ll ever go back to Canada to live?”
My immediate internal reaction was, “OH MY GOD, she hates me and wants me to move away!” Thoughts poured into my head, scenarios, “what ifs”, you name it! In the 5 seconds it took me to process her question, I must have come up with a million, very negative reasons as to why she may have asked that.
I swallowed hard and replied, “I’m not sure. Maybe one day.”
She smiled and said, “Oh ok. Do you want to jump into the deep end with me?”
I looked over at Mr.Brady. He shrugged.
After much more thought and consideration, I have come to the following three conclusions.
1) She asked because she wants to know if I’m here to stay, or if this is just a temporary arrangement.
2) She is worried I am going to move back to Canada and take Mr.Brady with me.
3) There is no deeper reason other than she just wants to know if I ever plan on moving back to the great white north.
I know I can’t let things like this stress me out, but holy-moly do they ever.
Second Hour.
Jan (age 5) is a cute kid. Let there be no mistake. The problem is, she knows it. And trust me, she uses it to her every advantage. Like I’ve said many times, I grew up as an only child, so I’m not entirely familiar with “the oldest”, “middle child”, “baby” dynamics of siblings. My mother, bless her heart, has tried to educate me in the way of siblings (she comes from a family of 4 siblings), but nothing beats experience, and I just .cant. seem. to. get. it.
I feel like Mugatu in Zoolander.
“The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!”
Except mine goes like this:
“She has you all wrapped around her little finger!! Doesn’t anybody notice this? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!”
Case in point. Jan seems to cry/whine at the drop of a hat.
- Her dad gives her a sister a shoulder ride instead of her = she cries.
- Somebody picks up a toy and she notices; she suddenly wants it = she cries.
- I get out of the water and tell her I’m going to rest for a bit = she whines.
- Her dad gets out of the water and tells her he’s going to rest, she replied with, “then come in when you’re done resting”, he replies, “We’ll see”, she replies with a screeching, “NOOOoooooO!” and proceeds to…yep, you guessed it…cry.
I’m not kidding here, people. She was screaming, screeching, crying, and whining like nothing I’ve ever heard before. And I know it can’t be “real” crying, because when she DOES get what she wants, she’s all smiles and laughs.
I lean over and quietly say, “Are you really going to let her get away with that behavior?”
He replies, “Well, what do you want me to do, put my hand over her mouth and force her to stop?”
I am appalled. He can’t be serious. Can he? I mean, for all the times he’s said to me, “you’ll understand when you’re a parent’, I would THINK that he’d be able to figure that one out. I take a deep breath and go back to tanning.
30 seconds later…
“Greeeeggggg! NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Jan is now yelling at her older brother because he is playing with one of the toys. Mr.Brady does nothing. I pick up my towel and say, “…and with that…I’m going back to the condo.”
“Can’t take anymore of Jan screaming?” he asks.
“That. I also can’t take anymore of you letting her get away with it.”
“What am I supposed to do? Tell me!” He asks, quite sincerely.
“What every other parent in the world does, Mr.Brady.”
“And that would be?”
“Ask her calmly to get out of the water so that you may speak to her; explain to her why screaming, hitting and yelling is not acceptable behavior. Give her one more chance. If she does it again, playtime is over and its time to go home.”
I walk away.
10 minutes later, Mr.Brady and kids come trucking back into the condo. Jan comes up to me, crying. She waits for me to look up. I ask, “Why are you crying, Jan?”
She replies, “Dad said that the next two times everybody goes to the pool, I can’t go.”
…I am not sure what to make of this.
I am curious if he’ll actually go through with the punishment. I also feel bad.
Like I’ve said many times, these aren’t my biological kids, so I feel like I don’t have a right to say anything.
I know I do. I know. This is my home too – I have a right to voice my opinion, but it goes back to Marcia’s question about me moving back to Canada. I don’t want them to hate me.
Do you ever have those days where you feel like you just can’t win? I don’t have the luxury of knowing that they’ll always love me. I don’t have the child/parent bond – and yet, I feel like if I don’t take that risk from time to time…I’ll never earn their respect.
I promise I'll try not to bitch too much in the posts to come - but give me time, internet - this is all VERY new to me.
7 comments:
I know how you feel! K does the same thing...his is more of only child syndrome though. And he really got away with it at the beginning of our relationship until I slowly started "bringing it to hubby-to-be's attention". Now he has gotten much better at disciplining K when he acts up. It may be a thing of Mr. Brady feeling guilty when he fusses at her. I think sometimes divorced parents feel bad about the divorce and try to make things "easier" on the kids but are really just making things harder on everyone, but they don't see this through their guilt infused glasses. You guys should talk without the kids around and get on the same page regarding discipline and try to find some common ground. Even though you aren't their biological parents, if they are living in your house then you should be able to enforce the rules that you and your husband come up with together. It's tough and complicated sometimes, but it'll get better once you get more familiar with the situation and your hubby's discipline style.
For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing, which took guts in the situation. If you aren't in a position to discipline, then you should at least be able to bow out and not have to endure the bad behaviour.
What I'm going to suggest sounds a bit harsh, but if you remember it when things come out of your mouth that you thought never would, it will make all the difference.
Repeat after me: I am a parent first, a friend second.
Kids, whether they are biologically yours or not, need parents in their lives. Parents who set boundries.
I applaud you for walking away. It's good that Mr. Brady took some action, too.
I know it feels like you shouldn't discipline, but you're right: it's your condo, too.
For what it's worth, in our situation, I consider myself "the warden." It seems like I'm the one who is always handing out small punishments: didn't finish your dinner; go to bed early...stuff like that.
I sometimes feel like they'll hate me, but I also see how far they've come in the 4 years since I've known their dad. They're really well behaved and know the limits of what they should and shouldn't do.
I agree with Erin. Parent first, friend second--even if you are "just the Stepmom." (Which in my humble opinion sometimes requires more parenting that bio-mom ever thought of doing.) Lacey's points are also good. It's tough in a split family. The guilt is tremendous.
One thing that really helped us was to lay out the specifics. We made house rules (We do not hit, We do not lie, We speak respectfully to each other, We are respectful of each other's things, etc.) and those are immediate time-out issues. They're posted on the fridge so everyone knows what they are, can readily see them if they forget, and everyone knows what happens if they break them.
There are certainly other behaviors that require intervention of some sort, but that list has really helped us to set the standard and stick by it. It took the emotion out of it.
There are many days when I think the kids hate me because I am the disciplinarian. I don't do small, I don't do maybes, I do them all. I am sure there are days the kids all talk about me leaving so they can have their carefree life, I know the youngest stepson does every time he is punished. It is a fine line, but what a lot of people don't understand is, these kids don't need another friend, they need a parent, they need someone who will put boundaries up, who will discipline when needed. They have friends, they make friends everyday.
I have the kids 24/7, so I have to be parent, I can't be friend.... I do not know what it is like to have their mother in the mix since she doesn't contact the kids.
I agree with all these smart comments and with what you did. You need to be able to find out what kind of parent you are and that means jumping into the deep end. You are learning, the kids are learning about you and Mr. Brady is learning about how you will parent together- this is all good and crazy making, too.
I've been through similar situations and my best advice is to be patient, be true to yourself and talk talk talk with your man about it together. If you can be united on discipline, life will be so much easier...
IR
You deserve a glass of wine. Or a bottle. Or at least a trip to Starbucks without any kids.
Post a Comment