How important is it to have a schedule? I’ve been told (and I’ve read) that once kids are added to your “life’s equation”, any sort of routine or schedule that your previously had (in your single life) gets thrown to the wind.
Is this true? And does it apply to me? Me, who is not yet married? Me, who is not yet a step-mom. Me, who has based her entire career on scheduling and task planning. Me, who moved her entire life, so that she could be with her partner and his kids.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, yes. I'll be honest, I haven’t entirely decided how I feel about this.
Example. Summer is a busy time for everybody. Mr.Brady works full time, I work full time from home, and the kids have nothing to do but be kids. Their mother’s home is their primary residence, meaning Mr.Brady pays child support and the kids spend most nights at her place. This isn’t to say that the children aren’t welcome here anytime they want. If they want to stay over, swim in the pool, play on one of the game consoles…they are always welcome. This, after all, is their home too. But it’s not their primary home, so the thought of them coming and going as they please, makes me feel like my home is more of drop-in club houses.
Is it wrong of me to expect some sort of schedule. To know when they are staying over? To know when we need to prepare a dinner for 5, rather than 2?
Like I’ve mentioned before, I was an only child who grew up in a single-mother home, living with 3 kids is not something I’ve been groomed to greet gracefully - but hey! - I chose this life, so I fully expect to make like a stick of bamboo, and bend when I need to. I am not complaining. What I am trying to do, is understand my boundaries.
Mr.Brady’s biggest issue with a “schedule”, is precisely what I mentioned before. He doesn’t want them to feel like they aren’t welcome at certain times of the week. But the whole “come on by whenever you want”, doesn’t really fly with me either.
If we were their primary caregivers, I would at least know (and expect) them home everynight. Since we are not, I never know when they’ll be over. This makes scheduling a challenge.
The bottom line is I’ve committed to this relationship (the one with him and his kids), and I don’t want to step on any toes, but how do I tell him, without sounding like the evil stepmother, that I don’t like not knowing when they’ll be over.
Am I way out of line, internet?
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8 comments:
No. You can demand a schedule. Your house, your rules. Otherwise, you'll go crazy.
The Ex used to call every day, multiple times, in the eve, in the morning, dinner time...until I said, I know I'm just the girlfriend here, but this is ridiculous.
We need some boundaries.
It worked. It's important to be accommodating, but not a doormat.
With that, I say, close the door.
Izzy Rose
Thanks, Izzy. I was worried about coming across as too controling, but you're absolutely right. It comes down to my sanity and peace of mind.
My husband's ex controls our schedule to a certain extent which drives me up the wall.
She has final say over all extracuriculars (which she's too broke to pay for).
She also doesn't drive (anxiety disorder) so she relies on my husband, me and her mom to drive her to work and pick her up and bring her home (she's on the way of the most of our workplaces). If she needs to be in the office early or late or can't make it back in time to get the kids from camp on her nights (Tues. and Wed. nights) then we have to stay late or leave early and/or get the kids ourselves chauffuer everyone around.
I've just sort of adopted as my own personal second-time-wife mantra "It's a regular part of my life now. Must deal with it."
I hate that I've developed that mantra but it's that or divorce the husband and I tend to like the guy.
A routine or a schedule is important to kids. Thou we are the primary of my step-kids, and their mother is allowed to call whenever she wants, when she breaks out of habit, it leaves everyone wondering just what is going on... But with it being your house, you need rules, you need boundaries. You need to be able to keep your sanity.
...And it's not like you are being mean....it's a matter of practicality. What if you have plans to go out to lunch with a friend? What if you are having guests over? It's only fair that you know how many to cook for at dinner.
I don't think they should feel unwelcome, but you should certainly have information that allows you to plan and organize your life as well!
Thank you everybody for your comments - it helps me breath a sigh of relief :)
Oh I absolutely think you should have some sort of schedule in place. There may be times that it is broken, which is to be expected, but if you are expected to cook and be a part of the family (which you are) then you should have some say of what goes on in the house. Definitely speak up about your feelings regarding this. Until recently future hubby's ex dictated when we had future stepchild, which is all fine and dandy...only she wouldn't tell us her work schedule until a day or two before we needed to get him making it impossible to plan anything! This really bothered me and I spoke up and future hubby spoke to her about. It is so much better and less stressful now that there is a set schedule in place. There is still some flexibility on both sides but there's no more of that calling the day of because she has to work thing going on. Definitely talk to your fiance. Oh, and I also wanted to say thanks for your comment earlier! I added you to my blogroll.
I agree with all of the above commenters. Scheduling is not just important, it's paramount. You are both full-time employees and you are entitled to your own time, as well as planned time with the kids. As you said, there may be times when it's ok to "just drop by" but, in my experience, those times have not so much to do with the kids wishes and more to do with Bio-Mom's plans.
It's tough to just throw together something for three additional mouths at dinner and it's tough to never make any plans for yourselves on the off chance that they might show up. That's not telling the kids they can't feel like it's just as much home as Mom's is. That's just saying to them that respecting others' time and space is important.
Hang in there! I, too, was an only child and my hubby brought a brood to the table. I brought one. It's been a wild ride! (But worth every second!) :)
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